In a bid to step up faltering support for their policies in Syria, the government has instructed news organisations that all broadcasters must spit and sneer whenever ‘so called’ Islamic State, ISIS or Daesh is mentioned.
The BBC has admitted they have encountered difficulties with their star newsreaders in training sessions. ‘At first, Fiona Bruce didn’t appear to be able to spit at all,’ said a BBC insider,‘but luckily someone suggested she channelled supermarket wine and she was soon hawking like a Premier League footballer.’
Apparently, the BBC were forced to hire a motivational coach after Ms Bruce had further problems managing to adopt the appropriate sneer which the government has demanded should accompany any mention of ISIS. ‘After studying footage of the Antiques Roadshow, the coach told her to imagine she had to talk to a member of the public each time she said “ISIS”. Within seconds Fiona had captured the appropriate sneer of disdain and contempt.’
Meanwhile automaton newscaster Huw Edwards has struggled with the autocue. ‘Whenever the auto cue reads [-SPIT-] after any mention of ISIS, Huw says the word ‘spit’ instead of actually spitting,’ reported our insider. ‘It’s touch and go whether he will ever read the news again. If so, terrorism will have claimed yet another victim.’
Radio news broadcasters will be also be required to comply with the edict with no exceptions. As he can’t yet to clear his throat properly following illness, Radio 4 have installed a special sound effect for Today’s Nick Robinson which consists of a spit followed by a ding to depict the sound of the derisive gob hitting a spittoon.
Stan and Des
